I almost accidentally sent my boss to Ghana today. He wanted to go to Ethiopia. I spent a good couple of hours trawling through flight comparison sites, ringing up travel agents, trying to get the best deal. I was looking for a specific flight so that he could travel with a colleague who had already booked his ticket, but could only ever match half the flight each way. I blame the fact that flights to Ghana and flights to Ethiopia both stopover at Frankfurt. This only encouraged me to have my mouse poised over the ‘BUY’ button after carefully selecting my flights to Ghana. And to write an email to the colleague who had their flights already booked to tell them that they must have got the name of the hotel wrong as there isn’t a Sheraton Hotel in Ghana. There’s a Sheraton Hotel in Ethiopia FYI. I spent the next hour imagining receiving a phone call from my boss in the middle of the night – “Gemma, why am I in Ghana?”. Awkward.

This must be another example of why people don’t see me as a grown up. I had a haircut the other day. You know when you first sit down and the hairdresser asks you if you want a cup of tea or coffee? Well, this hairdresser asked me if I wanted a squash. A squash. I’m 26 in a few months. Yes I thought, I would like a squash, but only if you have a plastic cup. And maybe a straw. I don’t want to make a mess. As the conversation developed, I told her that I lived in London. I knew straight away what her first question would be. “Oh are you studying there?” “No”, I replied immediately. “I finished uni nearly 4 years ago”. Cue the moment’s silence and slightly puzzled look as I see the cogs turning in her head trying to work out how I’d finished uni so long ago at such a young age. It’s a conversation I have most weeks. As we discussed hair styles and products, I told her that I use ‘Dust It’ in my hair. She asked me if my mum ordered it for me. I’m not even joking. I didn’t know how to respond. So I said “yes”. I really wasn’t helping the situation. As I went to pay by card, the hairdresser told me that they didn’t have a card machine and they only took cash. I didn’t have any cash on me so I explained that my Dad was sat outside in the car waiting for me so I’d go and ask him for some money. I might as well have just walked back in holding his hand.

6^th December 2011

Got up mega early today and joined the swarm of travellers in the race to get to work on time, and spent the rest of the day slaving away so keenly that if you looked close enough, you would see steam rising from my body. No wait... that's not true. I'm actually unemployed.

Finding a job is hard. After begrudgingly accepting the fact that I need to look for a temporary job that isn't what I want to do and will probably make me cry every night until it's over, I skipped to the recruitment agency at the top of my road. The man was lovely. Didn't have any jobs for me, but was lovely. When I told him I worked in television, he said 'yeah you look like you do'. I'm slowly learning that people can tell a lot from my looks. (Why isn't my 'I'm a comedy writer and performer and you want to pay me to make comedy' look shining through?!) After trudging around the shops on the High Street searching for non-existent 'Christmas Vacancies' signs, I strode home to search the internet for jobs further afield. I opened my laptop to find my internet not working properly. I rang the internet dongle people and a lady answered. She was definitely in another country as I could hear my voice after I used my voice and I could hear my voice at the same time as I could hear her voice. I loved it. She also had a very strong accent. I loved that too. But what I loved the most was that she had hiccups. We had a sterling conversation. On more than one occasion I had to use the phrase "I don't know what you want me to do. I'm just looking at the screen".

When I got off the phone, I had a firm voicemail from my estate agent demanding to know why I hadn't paid my rent and that I would incur charges for not paying on time. I was told to ring back urgently to explain myself. I rang her back and explained that I had paid my rent over a week ago and that I wasn't really up for paying a fine for avoiding something that I hadn't avoided. I've already got people on my back about a water bill for a property that I didn't even live in. The estate agent realised that she hadn't received rent from 5 or 6 other tenants that were all due on the same day so decided that maybe there was a problem her end. Yeah... maybe.

4:20pm glass of wine? Don't mind if I do... 

14th November 2011

Found myself collecting raw turkeys from a butcher's at 7am this morning. One had to travel on the passenger seat because there wasn't much space in the car. Only just managed to refrain from putting it's seatbelt on. Maybe its thoughts like that, that stop others from seeing me as a grown up. I answered the phone to a colleague today who thought she had rung the wrong number because she had thought she was talking to, and I quote, "a little girl". Later on, I met the big boss of the company I work for. We hadn't met before. He asked me if my mum knew that I had gone out in the cold in just a t-shirt. She didn't know. I wonder how long it will take to get rid of the turkey smell in my car?

Spent my evening with Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops and Wayne Brady off 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?', and Fred Willard off Anchorman. Just a regular Saturday night. And I got two free glasses of wine. Oh and some other guy was there too. I wasn't really sure who he was though so I wasn't bothered about him. Someone called Ricky Gervais or something... Like I say, I wasn't bothered.

28th October 2011

A few days ago I was on the platform at the station and as the train slowed down, I made eye contact with a bloke who I thought was somebody I went to High School with 7 years ago, over 100 miles away. We had that awkward moment where we're both staring at each other, not completely sure if the person we're staring at is actually the person we think it is. I looked away. I looked back again. I was pretty sure it was him. I got on the train and thought no more of it. Today I bumped into that same person in the street. I told him I thought I'd seen him on the tube the other day. I hadn't.

Sometimes I wonder when the day will come that, in the eyes of the general public, I will be a grown up. Today I went to register at my local doctor's surgery. The lady on reception asked me how old I was and I replied with "I'm 25". In a split second, she looked up at me, squealed with delight and shrieked "Oh! You're so cute!" Brilliant. What with her, and the man serving me in the supermarket the other day telling me that I 'looked like' I had a nectar card, I think I need to stop going out in my Sainsbury's pink rabbit suit.

I went food shopping for the first time in ages today. I realised I hadn't fed myself for about three weeks as I've been getting free food at work. And when it's free you take advantage don't you. In a day and a half I worked out I'd eaten scrambled eggs on toast, a banana, a cheesy bagel, a beefburger in a roll, a bratwurst, a caesar salad, 2 pavlovas, some sour sweets, a white chocolate magnum, more scrambled eggs on toast, a sausage, cheese on toast, pepperoni pasta, some vegetables, treacle tart and custard, some wine gums, an egg wrap and a seafood wrap. That's a lot. So I'm in the supermarket today and I wheel my trolley to the checkout. I didn't realise it was a 'Basket Only' aisle. A supervisor approached and informed the checkout lady that she shouldn't serve trolley people before 8pm. It was only 5:30pm. I explained that I hadn't noticed the sign and that it really wouldn't be a problem for me to move to another checkout. The supervisor wasn't happy and asked the checkout lady if she minded serving me. She wasn't bothered. There wasn't even anyone else in the queue. I thought the supervisor was going to arrest me. I won't be mixing up my checkouts again. I might get my clubcard confiscated next time. It just wouldn't be worth it.

Today, whilst driving in busy traffic, I found myself getting increasingly annoyed with pedestrians wandering out into the road and cyclists pulling out in front of me. I had to make a very important decision - whether my desire to teach these people a lesson was greater than my desire to not be a murderer.

So I'm on the tube and I see one of the most amazing people I've ever seen. He was from the Caribbean. He was wearing an England football shirt, and a suit jacket. Upon his head was a Jewish kipper hat with an Aresenal logo attached. Around his neck was a shiny whistle held in place by a 'Jamaica' ribbon. In his right hand was a yellow duster. In his left, a plunger.

Bravo kind sir, bravo.

Just seen Adrian Chiles walking down the street in Soho. He was wearing a full on grey tracksuit. For a second I thought 'He's late for The One Show'. Then I realised he wasn't on it anymore.

22^nd September 2011

This week I found out I have the same life as Sarah who I work with. She has an uncle in New Zealand, I have an uncle in Australia. She has a cousin called Emily Rose, I have a second cousin called Emily Rose. She lost her grandad a couple of weeks ago, I lost my step-grandad a few days later. We both don't like the taste of water. We have both dated people with the same hair and clothes. We have both dated people with the same job. We both love Primark. We both have a theatre degree. Our favourite supermarket is Asda. Sarah's favourite tipple is red wine. My favourite tipple is red wine. Neither of us are keen on Keira Knightley's acting. We have both unsuccessfully attempted philosophical conversations with our friends about the weirdness of sleeping/dancing/food/hair. (Why does everyone put themselves in a soft square in a darkened room and let themselves slip into a short coma every night? Why do we fling our limbs about when we hear a particular noise? Why do we get excited about meal times like its a new experience when we eat potentially three times a day, every single day? Why do girls find it necessary to shave the hair on their legs and under their arms, yet to have a huge mound of hair on top of their head where everyone can see it, is perfectly acceptable?) The list goes on. Considering dying my top-of-the-head, fully-acceptable hair blonde so that we perfectly match.

19th September 2011

Managed to flood my kitchen and living room by cleaning the bin. Didn't know the bin had a hole in the bottom. Laid a towel down and left the flat in the hope it would have cleaned itself by the time I returned. Decided to get a haircut. The hairdresser, after she had washed my hair, told me it would cost an extra £10 to dry it. I dried it myself on a hand dryer in the ladies. Met an older woman who had been to the same hairdressers and wasn't happy with her cut. She cried. She'd had her hair done for her mother's funeral. She asked me to go back to the hairdressers with her and tell them she was upset. I did. Then swiftly left. Went home. The towel was still there.

Just seen a whole shelf of Christmas stuff in Morrisons. September 13^th people. September 13^th.

Met Michael off I'm Alan Partridge today. He's not Geordie in real life. He should be. I tried to earwig on his conversations but I had to be subtle as he's married to someone I work with. I hate how often I find myself in situations where I have to pretend to be cool when really I want to stroke their face and ask for a picture.

Found myself telling Kathy Burke all about my new flat this morning. We then discussed the differences between Manchester and London, city-wise. Just a regular Friday morning conversation.

Bumped into Sean Lock in a bar at 11am. (They sell coffees too).

Bumped into Gok Wan in a lift today. He was coming out as I was going in. He had a bit of a shiny face. I was glad because sometimes I have a shiny face.

Spent the morning in the same room as a really good looking man. Spent the afternoon sitting in front of Jack Whitehall. I wish that work would inform me of these things so that I could dress more appropriately.

I'm in the Mercedes again. I look out the window and casually see a giraffe sauntering along. Turned out to be London Zoo. Think I preferred it when I thought it was just strolling to the shops.

Just found myself 'doing emails' in the back of a chauffeur driven Mercedes. I know it was a Mercedes because I googled the logo on the steering wheel. Just a shame it's 7:40am.

Just cleaned my teeth with the warm water that came out of the cold tap. It's now midnight and I can hear Enrique Iglesias 'Hero' coming from the people in the next room. I can hear Jewish music coming from outside. I look out the window to see about 30 people across the road crammed in a small kitchen, sitting on worktops. For once, a trip to the synagogue suddenly seems the better option.

Checked into a hotel for a week as my flat isn't ready until Saturday. I'm pretty sure that in order to stay here, I'm supposed to be Jewish. Didn't twig when I read that the hotel was called 'King Solomon Hotel'. Considering asking for a bacon sarnie for breakfast.

Today I walked into a room and saw a BAFTA, a National Television Award, and a British Comedy Award casually standing on a shelf with about 10 other awards. I realised this is where I work. I mean, like, my actual job.

I had a job interview in London today. Afterwards, I went to look around some areas I might live in. My shoes hurt. A lot. I decided a pair of white socks might help. I couldn't find any. The only socks I could find had union jacks on. They were very bright against my white shoes. I either looked like a very keen tourist or a very patriotic local. I was neither. But I didn't care. I'd had a phonecall. I have a proper job working on a new comedy written by Kathy Burke at Tiger Aspect Productions in London.

Ewen Macintosh just watched my performance on YouTube. He said it was, and I quote, 'very funny'. He is now following me on Twitter. Keith off The Office is following me on Twitter. I told him if he ever needed an awkward 25 year old girl, he knew where to find me. He said he does need one but not in the way I meant. Not sure if I'll speak to him again.

Went with my 27-year-old brother to see my Nan in St. Germans today. She has lived in the same house longer than the 25 years I have been alive. They had closed a road on the way so we followed the diversion. Then the diversion signs stopped. We got lost. My baby niece was in the car. She wanted milk. We'd forgotten to take it with us. I rang my Nan for directions. We were still lost. We passed a white bridge. We passed some stacks of hay. We needed milk. We passed a field. We passed a white bridge. The baby was crying lots. We were in a field. We passed a white bridge. We saw the motorbike in front obliterate a small rabbit. I screamed. The baby screamed more than me. We passed a field. We passed a white bridge. We passed some stacks of hay. We passed a white bridge. I rang my dad. 'Where are you?' he asked. 'Near some fields' I replied. 'I've seen a white bridge'. An hour and a half later, we ended up back at my Mum and Dad's. Fed the baby. Got back in the car with my Dad at the wheel. We were at my Nan's in 10 minutes.  

21st May 2011